How can I get time for myself without feeling guilty?

I feel like I no longer have a life. Even when someone looks after my mum, I can't relax and I feel guilty for wanting to be alone or go out for a bit. How can I make time for myself without feeling like I'm abandoning her?

Wanting time for yourself doesn't make you a bad daughter or a bad carer. On the contrary: needing breaks is a sign that you are giving a lot. The guilt you feel is common, but it doesn't reflect the truth.

Why it happens

Caring tends to take over everything, and many carers feel that any time for themselves is "stolen time" from the person they love. Guilt and the habit of always being available make it difficult to stop, even when your body and mind are crying out for rest.

Practical strategies

• Start with short, realistic breaks: 20 or 30 minutes a day just for yourself.
• Organise respite care: family, friends, home support or a day centre.
• Find out about carer respite services in the National Integrated Continuous Care Network (RNCCI) and social support.
• Use the time for something that recharges you: walking, seeing someone, a hobby.
• Treat guilt as a thought, not a truth: resting makes you a better carer.

What NOT to do

• Don't expect to have "lots of free time": start small, but start.
• Don't refuse help because you believe only you can do it well.

When to seek professional help

If you can't stop at all or always feel overwhelmed, talk to your GP or look for a carer support group (for example, through Alzheimer Portugal). The Social Security (300 502 502) can provide information on respite support.

"The first time I went out for a coffee alone, I cried with guilt. Today I know that half an hour is what keeps me going." — Anonymous carer