The first days in a care home: how to help with adaptation?

My mother moved into the care home three days ago and she cries, says I abandoned her, and begs to go home. I leave devastated and wondering if I made a mistake. How can I help her adapt without us both suffering so much?

Seeing your mother like this and hearing those words breaks any child's heart. I want you to know that this initial suffering is common and, in most cases, temporary, not a sign that you made a mistake.

Why it happens

The change of environment disrupts routines and references that provided security. With dementia, the difficulty in understanding the situation and fragile recent memory make the transition more confusing and distressing in the first days and weeks.

Practical strategies

• Bring familiar objects: photos, a blanket, a clock, things from her room.
• Maintain regular visits but discuss the best frequency with the team initially.
• When saying goodbye, be calm and brief; prolonging it increases distress.
• Share her life story with the carers so they can personalise her care.
• Give it time: adaptation is usually measured in weeks, not days.

What NOT to do

• Do not make promises to take her home that you cannot keep.
• Do not interpret every cry as proof that you failed.

When to seek professional help

If the distress remains intense after several weeks, or if signs of depression appear, speak to the care home team and her doctor. A support group can help you cope with your own guilt.

"The first two weeks were hell for both of us. After a month, I found her having a snack with another lady, laughing. I didn't recognise her, she was so serene." — Anonymous carer