I feel guilty constantly. Is this normal?

I feel guilty almost every day, whether it's for getting annoyed, wanting some time to myself, or even thinking about a care home. Is this normal, or is it just me?

Guilt is perhaps the most common, and most silenced, feeling among those caring for a family member with dementia. Feeling guilty for getting annoyed, for wishing for a moment of peace, or for even thinking about a care home doesn't make you a bad person; it makes you a human being trying to cope with something extremely difficult. This is much more normal than you think.

Why you feel this way

Carer's guilt often stems from an impossible expectation: the idea that you should be able to do everything, always feel patient, and never need anything for yourself. When reality doesn't match this ideal, and it never does, because no one can sustain that, guilt arises to fill that space. It's a feeling that feeds on the love you feel, but ultimately turns against yourself.

Most common types of guilt

• Guilt for getting annoyed or losing patience: reacting badly to a difficult moment doesn't erase all the care and dedication you've already given.
• Guilt for wanting time for yourself: needing to rest or do something just for you doesn't mean you care less.
• Guilt for thinking about a care home or care facility: considering this option is not abandonment; it's often the most responsible and loving decision possible.
• Guilt for feeling relief in small moments of pause: this relief doesn't mean you don't love your family member.

What you can do this week

• Name the feeling without judging it: tell yourself "I'm feeling guilty" instead of trying to push away or deny that emotion.
• Talk to someone who understands: a carers' group or psychological support helps you realise that this feeling is shared by almost everyone who cares.
• Remember your rights as a carer: you have the right to express feelings, including anger and guilt, to look after your own mental health, and to have moments of leisure without guilt.
• Separate the feeling from the fact: feeling guilty doesn't mean you did something wrong; they are different things, and it's worth distinguishing them.

"It took me months to realise that I could love my mum and, at the same time, wish for a weekend without responsibilities. One doesn't cancel out the other. Learning that was what allowed me to continue."

Where to seek help in Portugal

Psychological support is provided for in the Informal Carer's Statute, precisely recognising the emotional burden that this task entails. You can seek guidance through your health centre or the SNS 24 Line (808 24 24 24). You don't have to carry this guilt alone, and seeking support to process it is not weakness; it's one of the rights you have as a carer.