Is it right to lie to calm a person with dementia?

My dad constantly asks about my mum, who passed away two years ago. I've tried to explain the truth many times, and he gets devastated, as if he's hearing it for the first time. Should I just say she "went shopping"?

This question troubles almost all carers at some point: it feels wrong to lie to someone we love, but insisting on the truth can cause repeated and avoidable suffering. The answer from clinical practice is clear — yes, in this context, it is ethically accepted.

What is therapeutic lying

"Therapeutic lying" refers to a small alteration of the truth, used not to deceive for self-interest, but to protect the person from unnecessary distress that they can no longer process or integrate into their memory. It is closely linked to therapeutic validation: instead of correcting the person and forcibly bringing them to "our" reality, we enter their reality.

Why it makes sense in dementia

In a stage where recent memory no longer retains information, telling the truth about a death can mean the person relives it as new news every time they ask — a repeated grief, several times a day, without ever being able to process it. This is no longer "honest"; it is unintentional cruelty. The priority shifts: it is no longer factual (being correct), it becomes emotional (the person feeling safe and calm).

How to apply in practice

• Respond simply and reassuringly: "Mum isn't here right now, but I'm here with you."
• Gently redirect to another activity or positive memory, instead of insisting on the topic.
• Validate the emotion behind the question — often it's longing or insecurity, not literally the person.
• Use neutral and deferrable phrases ("she should be arriving soon", "let's have a coffee while we wait") instead of elaborate lies that are difficult to maintain.

The limits of therapeutic lying

• Do not use it to avoid difficult conversations that the person is still capable of understanding, in milder stages of the illness.
• Do not promise things that you will have to abruptly deny shortly after (e.g., "he's coming right now" when he's not).
• Do not resort to it to control behaviour in a manipulative or unnecessary way.

"For months I felt like a bad daughter for not correcting my dad. Today I know that saying 'mum went shopping' was the kindest gesture I could give him." — Anonymous Carer

When to seek professional help

If you feel great guilt or moral conflict with this approach, speak to a psychologist specialising in dementia or carer support associations — validating these doubts with someone experienced helps to alleviate the emotional burden of the decision.