I feel like I'm grieving while the person is still alive. Is this normal?

My mother is still alive, but she's no longer the person I knew. I feel a deep sadness, as if I've already lost her, and then I feel guilty for thinking this way. Is this normal or is there something wrong with me?

What you're feeling has a name and is profoundly human: it's called anticipatory grief. There's nothing wrong with you; you are mourning real losses, even though your mother is present.

Why it happens

In dementia, we lose the person in stages: the conversation, the recognition, the familiar gestures. Each loss is a small grief. It's natural to feel sadness, longing, and even anger for someone who is still alive but has changed so much. The guilt you feel often accompanies this process, but it doesn't mean you love them any less.

Practical strategies

• Name what you feel and allow yourself to feel it without judgment.
• Cherish and value the moments of connection that still exist, however small.
• Talk to someone you trust or seek a carer support group.
• Create a memory box or recall who she was, to honour that relationship.

What NOT to do

• Don't force yourself to "be strong" or hide your sadness as if it were shame.
• Don't isolate yourself: sharing greatly alleviates this type of pain.

When to seek professional help

If the sadness is constant, affecting your sleep, appetite, or will to live, seek your GP or psychological support. Alzheimer Portugal has support groups, and the SNS 24 Line (808 24 24 24) can provide guidance.

"I mourned my mother many times before she passed away. Realising that this was grief, and not coldness, helped me forgive myself." — Anonymous Carer