The person always follows me around the house. How do I manage this?

My husband follows me everywhere, even to the bathroom. As soon as I leave his side, he gets distressed and comes after me. I love him, but I don't have a minute to myself and I'm starting to feel suffocated. How do I deal with this?

Feeling suffocated doesn't make you a bad carer: it makes you human. Needing space is absolutely legitimate. And understanding why he follows you helps to ease the situation for both of you.

Why it happens

This behaviour, sometimes called "shadowing", almost always stems from insecurity and fear of being alone. The person may not know where they are, not recognise the space, or forget that you'll be right back. You are their point of reference and security, and losing sight of you causes distress.

Practical strategies

• Before leaving a room, calmly let them know: "I'm just going to the kitchen and I'll be right back."
• Leave the person occupied with a simple task or a comforting object.
• Use music, radio, or television to provide a sense of company.
• Create small breaks for yourself when they are calmer or accompanied by someone else.
• Maintain predictable routines, which reduce anxiety.

What NOT to do

• Do not scold them or show irritation: this increases their distress and their need to seek you out.
• Do not leave the house abruptly or secretly, as this causes panic.
• Do not try to "solve" it with reasoning alone: fear is not logical.

When to seek professional help

If the anxiety is intense and constant, speak to your GP to assess causes and support. Also, try to alleviate your own burden: the Social Security (300 502 502) can provide information on home care and day centres, and Alzheimer Portugal has support groups for carers.

"I started telling him where I was going, even if it was just to the bathroom. It seems simple, but just that warning made him much calmer." — Anonymous Carer