Siblings who don't help: how to share caregiving

I handle everything with my mum, and my siblings show up once a month, criticise, and then disappear. How can we share this without destroying the family?

This is one of the most common and bitter patterns in caregiving: one child shoulders almost everything, while the others 'have their own lives'. Your anger is legitimate – and there are ways to change the game.

Why it happens

It's rarely just selfishness: there's distance, fear of seeing a parent's decline, denial of the illness ('she's doing fine!'), and an established habit – whoever started caring 'got the job'. Without a clear request, the others assume everything is under control.

Practical strategies

• Ask for concrete tasks, not 'help': 'You need to take Mum to her appointments on the 12th and 26th' works; 'I need support' doesn't.
• Hold a family meeting (in person or via video) with a written list: appointments, medication, shopping, weekends, money. Assign names to tasks.
• Accept different contributions: those who live far away can pay for a carer or handle bureaucracy; those less adept can do the shopping. Contributing doesn't have to be equal.
• Share information regularly (family group with photos and updates) – distance fuels denial; documented reality combats it.
• Respond to criticism with an invitation: 'Good idea – would you like to take on that part?'

Protect yourself

If, even then, you're left alone: reduce what's optional, seek formal support, and join a carers' group. Your health cannot be the price of others' inaction – and an exhausted carer eventually can't care for anyone.

Sources: Family Caregiver Alliance (USA); Alzheimer's Association.